Back in August 2012, I wrote a rather lengthy piece on why Fifty Shades Of Grey makes my Inner Goddess want to put her head through a wall. TL;DR Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey are your typical Jerry Springer Show guests, except Grey is hot and rich so he’s allowed to be creepy and abusive. Irresistibly bland Ana complies as it’s unlikely she would have gotten far in life without a rich bloke telling her how to live, considering she doesn’t even know how email works. Fifty Shades is an awful book about awful people written by someone with the literary abilities of a house plant.
Needless to say, I’m not a fan. So, when the magnificence that was #AskELJames happened on June 29, I was scrolling through my feed with the gleeful energy of a thousand suns.
Mon 29 Jun at 6pm UK time, @E_L_James will be doing a live chat with @TwitterBooks. Use #AskELJames to ask a question pic.twitter.com/Ixu9fPo31v
— fiftyshadesUK (@fiftyshadesUK) June 23, 2015
In fact, I had so much fun I thought I’d list my favourite 50 Shades Of Shade, so here are my favourite tweets from #AskELJames!
#AskELJames Is there a safe word which will stop you from writing anymore of this bollocks? — TittyBiscuits. (@dawneywawney) June 29, 2015
What do you dislike more, Independent strong woman or the English language? #AskELJames — Trevor Donovan (@TrevDon) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Have you financially compensated Stephenie Meyer for monetising your fan fiction using her characters? — Tez Miller (@TezMillerOz) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames How does it feel to have actually written a worse love story than Twilight? That is real skill. — Travelling Beard (@TravellingBeard) June 30, 2015
#AskELJames if E.L.James asks for these tweets to stop, does that mean she really wants them to continue? — Johnny Quid. (@Steelnicks) June 30, 2015
#AskELJames Dost know what we used to call a ruthless paddling on the bum by some cruel, aloof wanker? Latin class. #NotSexyEnough — William Shakespeare (@Shakespeare) June 30, 2015
#AskELJames What’s your favourite shade out of the 50? Is there a chance that more shades will be added? — Jack Howard (@JackHoward) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames does the E.L. Stand for ELiterate? — caitlin stasey (@caitlinstasey) June 29, 2015
How long should I microwave a frozen burrito for? #AskELJames — Michele Catalano (@inthefade) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Got a nightmare here mate, I have a chicken, a fox & some grain, but I can only take one at a time across the river, any advice? — Michael Bell (@michaelbell86) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Why did you decide to research helicopters while not researching BDSM at all? — Esther (@estherannaa) June 29, 2015
There’s a Harry Potter fanfic where the sorting hat has a dick, fancy making that into a sexy bestselling novel? #AskELJames — R_chelCh_rlt_nD_iley (@RachelCDailey) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames after the success of “Grey,” have you considered re-telling the story from the perspective of someone who can write — Andrew Vestal (@avestal) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Will you please unblock me I’m sorry for making fun of your horrible book — Steven (@DeusExJuice) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames A lad once punched me on a night out. Does this mean he likes me? Should I have gotten his number? — natgovin (@notgavin) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Can you confirm that you will be writing the story of Ramsay Bolton from his perspective, showing he is just misunderstood? — Ros (@GameOverRos) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames you do realize that if Grey wasn’t a billionaire, the 50 Shades trilogy would be one hell of a Law & Order episode? — Belial Bell (@AlwaysAnimated) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames did you fire whoever thought this was a good idea — Churlish (@Cryptoterra) June 29, 2015
I’ve just been sick and some alphabetti spaghetti landed on a blank piece of paper, could I have your publisher’s email address? #AskELJames — Jake Lambert (@LittleLostLad) June 29, 2015
I keep hearing about this thing called “consent.” Please confirm that it is a myth as long as yr bf is hot and rich. #AskELJames — Menstrual Krampus (@MCThorsHammer) June 29, 2015
What’s the sexiest food? Wafer thin ham, or a scotch egg? #AskELJames — Lisa (@biscuitahoy) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Were you watching Dexter when you wrote the scene where Christian buys stuff at the hardware store Ana works at? — Vanessa C. (@nessaskybooks) June 29, 2015
If you were forced at gunpoint to eat an entire car but you were allowed to choose the car, which car would you choose to eat? #AskELJames — Tony Goldmark (@tonygoldmark) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames If a tree falls in the woods and their is nobody around, does CG still whisper with the rapey undertones of #RobinThicke ? — ItsNotMadeUp News (@itsnotmadeup) June 29, 2015
Did you know you can end a chapter without a character going to sleep? #AskELJames — Snark Squad (@Snark_Squad) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames : how much can Christian grey lift? Can he do sick skateboard moves? When is he going to prison — The Frenemy Online (@The_Frenemy) June 29, 2015
Think “50 Shades of Black & Blue” would’ve been a better title? or nah? #AskELJames — Melanin Monroe (@Jherane_) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Do you ever plan to do any actual research on BDSM or are you content to use a 4chan troll’s rape fantasies as your sole basis? — Gay Dinosaurs (@KitKatAddiction) June 29, 2015
#askELJames What does ‘no’ mean? — Harry T Dyer (@HarryTDyer) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames so like… is the name “Snowqueens Icedragon” trademarked or can I use it in my Game of Thrones/50 Shades mashup fanfic? — Vargas ‘Mag’ Prime (@Jason_Gio) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames do you find it ironic that you write as if someone has tied you to a chair and forced you to? — Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames So whats your favourite moment in Twilight? When Bella meets Edward or when Stephanie Meyer sent you a cease and desist — Słodka Idiotka (@Rachel_Destross) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames I want to write a BDSM novel but I know nothing about BDSM, should I just guess like you did or look stuff up? — Wasteland Queen ♕ (@ShySleeves) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames when will you make a skin suit out of Stephanie Meyer? — victoria isabelle (@deathofthepxrty) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames which serial killer did you base Christian Grey on? — Esther (@estherannaa) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames My MUM read your book, EL. My MUM. What the fuck? — PDT (@TheGeekyComic) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames have you ever tried rolling your eyes and biting your lip at the same time? You’d look like a right mental. — TittyBiscuits. (@dawneywawney) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames How many roads must a man walk down before he devotes an entire room in his apartment to the abuse of young women? — Thom Hodkinson (@ThomHodkinson) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames I’m looking for a guy who respects me. Should I lower my standards? — Ellen Rose (@icklenellierose) June 29, 2015
Where do babies come from? #AskELJames — Erica Buist (@ericabuist) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames If Christian likes dressing up and hitting people, why can’t he just be Batman like any other wealthy orphan would? — SadFaceOtter (@SadFaceOtter) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames can you give my nan a lift to bingo on Thursday? — Safe (@safeasfuck) June 29, 2015
50 Shades takes place in 2011 but Anastasia, a journalism student, is mystified by the concept of BASIC EMAIL? #AskELJames — Claire Downs (@clairecdowns) June 29, 2015
Can you write a book from the POV of Ana’s therapist to highlight the harm of abusive relationships? #AskELJames — DROWSY GIRL (@theoliviavidal) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames have you ever thought about improving the books by adding wolves? — MouldingBrain (@MouldingBrain) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Are you aware that there are fungal infections sexier than your writing in FSOG? — Vanessa C. (@nessaskybooks) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Did a blonde woman murder you and your family in a past life? ‘Cause your hate towards seems a little irrational — Búho Cafeinado (@Ink_Bleeder) June 29, 2015
did you ever feel like naming Grey’s penis something like outer god or mini grey? #AskELJames — Ceci (@ceci_marq) June 29, 2015
If CG is such a hardcore sadist, why does he only engage in mild sensation play with Ana in 80% of the BDSM scenes? #AskELJames — Jenny Trout (@Jenny_Trout) June 29, 2015
Do you think Grey’s genital sentience is a step forward in the overall evolution of humanity? #AskELJames — Riff [Likes] Chicks (@RiffChick) June 29, 2015
Will you do a book from the POV of #Grey‘s unlucky cleaner? Whatever he or she is being paid, it is not nearly enough #AskELJames — Morenike* (@MorenikeAdebay0) June 29, 2015
Why does Ana’s gynecologist says she’s really smart after the papsmear? What exactly did she see in her vagina? #AskELJames — Snark Squad (@Snark_Squad) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames Will you copy+paste more books about A+C’s relationship from Christian’s condoms’ POV? — Imperator Tyto Alba (@thegiddyowl) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames How long before we can expect your new book, which is totally not The Host without aliens and with more sex? — Kayleigh Anne (@Ceilidhann) June 29, 2015
#AskELJames You know how they say any publicity is good publicity? *whisper* They lied. — Kayleigh Anne (@Ceilidhann) June 29, 2015
EL James entering the #AskELJames hashtag. pic.twitter.com/hugpOU0MiH — Kayleigh Anne (@Ceilidhann) June 29, 2015
