[I’m trying to post more frequently, but coming up with ideas is hard when you only ever go outside to buy a sandwich. So, as with all of my problems, I googled for a solution. If you don’t do the same then what’s your problem? You surround yourself with helpful, knowledgable and intuitive human beings? Pfft. Internet first, real people later. Anyway, a lot of the suggestions I read have the same couple of ideas. So I’m going to attempt them all. This one is a review. Obviously, it says that in title.]

“You can write a review of just about anything on your blog. Take a look at the following suggestions: products, websites, books, movies, music, restaurants, hotels. The possibilities are nearly endless.” - About.com

Okay. I can do that. What was I reading about earlier? Also, how can something be nearly endless?

The Colossal Squid.

Firstly, I know these pictures are not of colossal squids. That is because I have just google image searched colossal squids and they are horror fuel. Secondly, if I have stolen your pictures without your permission it’s because they are nice and squids don’t take selfies. Anyway, The colossal squid or Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni (which I assume is pronounced mess on eee chote you, this ham ill tony?) was not discovered until 1925 and is basically a squid that is big. Really big. 12 - 14 metres kind of big. Which is longer than a bus. It’s longer than a lot of things but using buses as a basis and comparative for sizes puts things into perspective. [Penis Joke]. Ew.

A colossal squid is different to a giant squid. If you say that giant squids are the same as colossal squids at dinner parties Poseidon will come and smack your mini quiche right out of your hand, you uncultured swine. Giant squids have tentacles that are only covered in suckers and teeth. Because they are losers. Colossal squids also have hooks on their tentacles, some of which swivel and some of which have three prongs. Because they are horrifying. They also have the biggest eyes of any creature ever documented in the animal kingdom. This is so they can look into your soul and find your shame and fear so they use it against you.

Colossal squids live in the Southern Ocean, which is great as it’s about as far away from me as it could possibly be. Unless it was on another planet, which is definitely where they came from. They eat fish and other squids using bioluminescence; they are a shiny-sea-lightbulb, but Antarctic Sperm Whales eat them because whales are the majestic judicial system of the sea. The whales have been known to be covered in scars from the colossal squids hooks though, this is why the Japanese make those weird sea creature battle movies. We must learn. They are sexually dimorphic as the lady squids are larger than their male counterparts which, as found specimens don’t have a hectocotylus organ, are thought to have proper junk and everything. This is why hentai exists.

Ultimately, they are matriarchal, alien, cannibal, sea monsters and I really like them. They are both the best and most terrifying things I have ever seen come out of the sea. They also validate my decision to not eat anything that comes from the sea. The sea is where monsters are created, there’s a conspiracy going on there. As long as I don’t have to go near one or look at one, I will remain in a state of denial and admiration of the colossal squid’s existence.

This information is totally reliable and you should use it as a reference. If you take a class that requires you to write about colossal squids please invite me to your classes @Sibbyy.