Keeping your clothing on, getting in bar fights with the staff, screaming at passing people, singing Busted’s Year 3000 at the top of your voice; these appear pretty obvious things to avoid at least when you’re sober. But in an age where chances are anything you do after downing a bottle of Mickey Finns is going to end up online you have to be a bit more careful. I have embarrassed myself in multiple different ways but have mostly learned from them. Mostly.
I’ve mentioned my first vodka trip before; so my first piece of advise is do not down a litre of vodka. Unless getting stabbed in the earlobe with a needle as nurses slap you out of a coma is something you’re into.
If you notice a field is on fire; don’t go sit in that field and decide it’s a fantastic place to have a picnic. Police will come and ask you if you stole a motorbike and need help dealing with the fact you’re an arsonist. They also don’t appreciate snide comments. So really this piece of advise is don’t back chat police.
Become “best friends” with the right kind of people. I once got lost and befriended some forty year old bald bloke, only to be saved by the loveliest, campiest man I’ve ever met who looked after me until I found the people I was with. Apparently, the bald man had been asking if I planned on making a life away from Japan and if I wanted to stay in England he knew where I could get a job? Which is either confusing and extremely helpful or confusing and terrifying. Don’t approach anyone who looks like they could carry you away into a van.
Be prepared for a neon paint party, foam party or any other event venues put on because apparently being pissed and dancing like you’re in the Thriller video isn’t embarrassing enough. As in, don’t decide “You know what looks fun? That giant paint canon! Fuck you brand new £55 dress, wooooooo!” Also, if the bouncer stops you and asks you if you know what kind of night it is, say no. Say no and walk away, believe me.
Don’t get in a fight with the bar staff or the bouncers. I once got soda water sprayed at me for something I don’t even recall which caused a passing drag queen to fall over. It was nasty. A group of bouncers also tried to kidnap me once because they thought it would be funny for my boyfriend to think I’d gone home with someone else. It wasn’t funny because I thought they were a group of chubby ninjas.
When it comes to photos, be aware that arsehole with the flash on will cause people who creep on your Facebook a couple of days later to think you’ve become a demon. And even the photos without flash often turn out a bit hideous; for me anyway as i’m about as photogenic as a real life Picasso portrait. This can’t really be helped; but instead of crying over all the perfectly-practised-photograph-face people you might just have to except you’re a little bit funny looking at the best of times. Going through my facebook photos I’ve realised I have certain things drunk Sibby tends to do; for example looking down, looking to the side or turning away in general. For example;
Crafty drunk me is.
Strangely, I’ve found seeing movies when drunk actually isn’t that fun. The trailers are hilarious, but about fifteen minutes into the film I get a bit restless, then sleepy and by the end of the film you’re either asleep or bored out of your mind as you have no idea what’s happened.
Everyone’s got at least one time where the alcohol hasn’t made them the best of company. Say to the point of locking yourself in a bathroom for a couple minutes just to get a bit of space which goes a bit wrong when everyone starts thinking you’ve gone in there to secretly jump out of a window. Don’t panic and get hysterical; because then everyone thinks you’ve gone mental.
Avoid stairs and climbing things. I had a particularly attractive bruise the size of a pineapple on my thigh a couple of months ago as I’d been playing Tomb Raider and tried to ‘O’ roll down some stairs.
