I haven’t written much about my housemates recently. In all honestly, they’ve been alright. We’ve had meals together, exchanged christmas presents and had nice nights mocking my addiction to burnout: revenge. which makes it difficult to derive humour from the situation. all of them, but one.
we’ll call him c. c is… a strange individual. strange, as in batshit weird. when we first moved in, he stayed in his room (right next to mine in the attic), and we thought he was shy. we could only smell where he’d been, like bigfoot. we then learnt that he always went out of his way to hide from us, as an old housemate had all but threatened to kill him. probably because, he’d left his baby gravy all over the living room.
since we’ve lived here, we discovered he looks like count orlok, and these are some more strange things he tends to do no matter how many times we ask him to quit it:
- he owns no plates, glasses, pans or cutlery. so he began using ours without asking. he either leaves them dirty in the sink for us to clean (as he never does), or takes them up to his room never to be seen again. when we ask him, we have to be specific and then only get that one item back.
- he uses our food, coffee, sugar and tea bags. so help any human being that comes between me and a cuppa.
- no matter how many times i hint, put up signs or be completely blatant with c about it, his shaven beard hair, old shaving cream and sometimes blood, just stays on the sink, up the walls and sometimes stuck to the ceiling. i just pray they are hairs off of his face.
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the ‘his music is too fucking loud’ complaint. i wouldn’t mind as much usually, if it wasn’t michael jackson all night, every night on full volume. when i knock on his door and bang on the wall, he ignores me.
- he never wears trousers. i have seen more of that man’s legs than i have my own. and believe me, there isn’t much going on there other than horrifying, mind scarring, hairy shittiness.
- even though he has a perfectly good room, which i know he has an x box and tv in (as i can hear them) he insists on sleeping in the living room. which then cannot be entered without an offensive airwick attack and hoover. he likes to eat biscuits. if by eat i mean grind into the carpets for us to clean.
- the other day i had to remove his mcdonald’s uniform from the washing machine as they’d been in there for days and never washed. the smell made me throw up in my mouth. i was paranoid about the smell being on me for days. we’ve been able to smell him before, it’s like cartoon green fumes following him and lingering but the collective smell of him and week old unwashed mcdonald’s uniforms was horrendous. i think i may have passed out. when another housemate had had enough and went to retrieve his cups as they had all disappeared, the smell of his room made it unbearable for him to fully explain his rage. and he’s a geordie. it’s that bad.
- c only leaves his room to go to and from college/ work. more often than not stopping to grab our plates and cups. not once have i heard him enter a bathroom. i presume he generally never showers or brushes his teeth, and shits in a carrier bag. which would partly explain his smell.
- i have smelt said smell in my room. it is possible it seeped in, but i haven’t smelt it since i keep my door locked constantly and i’m in more often. my boyfriend and housemate tell me to stay in my room and lock my door if they aren’t in. a few days ago i was putting my coat on to go and meet someone. it was 3am so the house was silent and i was making a bit of noise. when i opened my door, as did c. he then followed me downstairs until i opened the front door, then he simply went back up to his room. i was having a coffee at mcdonald’s (not the one he works at) yesterday with someone, i looked up and he was sat three metres away from us on his own, staring at me. he doesn’t even work there, and he gets plenty of free lard at the one he does work at. i’m not being egotistical, i’m aware men don’t follow me around and sneak into my room. but he’s not a man, he is a whole other species. fucking creepy creep species.
student accommodation should demand background checks and references. decency and air freshener can only do so much. more importantly how did he escape from the asylum/ farm/ laboratory?
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