Hey guys! Due to the fact that my white blood cells are alabaster retards I’m sick. Which, combined with the news that British politics is a shit show means I’m in a particularly moody head space right now. So, since I can’t leave the house without creating a tissue-moustache reminiscent of the Emperor out of Mulan, I thought I best write something on here to stop myself from losing my mind.
According to a study published yesterday, our generation’s addiction to mobile phones could have a hugely negative impact on the future of the human race. The studies’ author Dr Hisao Ishii warned readers: ‘genuine conversation will be driven out by superficial communication… leading to a deterioration in the quality of relationships. Indeed, the very fabric of society may be threatened.‘ In layman’s terms: shit’s getting real.
Like many kids these days, I received my first mobile phone when I was quite young. I can’t recall which model it was. It was sort of like a brick with an orange screen, buttons and Snake only less advanced and I think it may have been invented before horses.
Since then I’ve constantly had a phone by my side and so has everyone else I know, so it seems at least some of Dr Ishii’s study is founded in truth. But let’s be honest, we’re not about to abandon our phones to the wind and return to a time of letter writing and not being able to control our heating through apps. Those are basic necessities now. Instead, let’s talk about the people who will really ruin our lives as our addiction to phones develops: terrible texters.
1. The Emoji Abuser
Don’t get me wrong, I like emojis. I use emojis daily to communicate with my close friends because we’re unbearably ironic. Yes, you may leave now if that makes you want to be sick in your mouth, but it’s true. Emojis are funny, simple ways to convey basic emotions and reactions that can’t be explained clearly via text unless you’re willing to write something close to a sociology essay.
The true emoji abusers are the people who seem to genuinely believe emojis are the best thing to happen to linguistics since Shakespeare. The basic function of texts is to communicate information, not send 15 aubergines and an ambulance to someone and expect them to understand what the hell you’re saying.
Don’t Be A Bellend: Finding the right balance between emojis and actual language may seem tricky, but really all you need to do is ask yourself this question: does my text look like it was drawn by a three-year-old? If the answer is yes, please re-evaluate.
2. The Author
D’you know why the mobile phone was invented? SO YOU COULD COLLECT A MELODIC SCORE OF POLYPHONIC RINGTONES. And also to make phone calls. Texts are to phone calls what Twitter is to Tumblr: at least try to keep the character limit around 140.
Don’t Be A Bellend: The sweet spot for texts is somewhere between ‘k’ and a limerick, stay within those boundaries and you’ll be fine.
3. The Interrogator
Admittedly, I don’t think these sorts of texters are particularly common but if you’ve had an experience with an interrogator you’ll know how annoying they are. Unlike ‘The Author’, The Interrogator will usually send you a slew of short messages consisting of questions demanding further information immediately after you’ve said something that doesn’t explain everything in graphic, delicate detail. These texters don’t seem to understand personal boundaries and will often abandon social norms just so they can find out what your real opinion on Nando’s is.
Don’t Be A Bellend: Texting is not a great platform for creating deep, meaningful relationships, no matter how many questions you ask. If you are genuinely curious stick to asking questions when appropriate, and not as a response to every single text you receive.
4. The Awkward ;)-er
If you’re being funny or flirty there’s nothing wrong with a cheeky ;) face. But I’m not talking about the innocent or appropriate use of the smiley, I’m talking about those people who throw them out like creepy birdseed. This is all too much too soon and I don’t like it.
Don’t Be A Bellend: If your recipient has made it clear that they are comfortable enough with you to receive a ;) face without throwing their phone across the room, go for it. If not, you’re just being creepy.
5. The One That Cried Lol
If you feel the need to use ‘lol’ like it’s now an official component of punctuation and syntax structure then chances are people think you’re a dishonest moron. I’m sorry but that’s the anecdotal truth. I don’t believe you’re actually laughing out loud, you can’t fool me, I’m simply under the impression that you had nothing better to say. Plus, when you genuinely find something funny I won’t believe you. You have abused your lol privileges and I will never trust you again. Good day.
Don’t Be A Bellend: You do not need to implement a defence mechanism, especially not the awkward ‘lol’ technique which clearly displays a lack of self-confidence in what you’re saying. It’s okay bby, save your lols for when they really matter.
6. The Over-Texter
It’s widely thought that your desperation level becomes more clear depending on the amount of texts you send without receiving a response, Because of this, I refuse to send more than two texts in a row, regardless of the time frame. When you send multiple texts you can appear panic-stricken, needy and, if you’ve sent more than twenty, insane. Let’s be real, your recipient is probably busy or ignoring you, bombarding them with text messages isn’t going to help the situation.
Don’t Be A Bellend: Whether you text over the space of months or rapid fire six texts within ten minutes you need to calm down after the third text. If you receive nothing after that last text then it’s time to call it quits.
7. The Persistently Busy
However, Over-Texters are sometimes provoked into being a bit mental, particularly when people play the ‘busy’ card. I understand that you have a life to lead but really, you were too busy for three and a half days to answer? What you’re actually saying is: “you are lower on my priorities list than having a quiet yet lengthy Archer marathon and sending movie trailers to people on Facebook”.
Don’t Be A Bellend: C’mon. Not replying to someone is a clear sign that you don’t give a shit, which is fair enough if you don’t but at least be honest about it.
8. The Grammatically Challenged
To be honest, I don’t have a huge problem with people who don’t use the Queen’s English constantly when texting. What is annoying are people who have put so much effort into using text-speech and appearing illiterate that I genuinely cannot understand what they’re saying. They use the wrong words, like ‘being’ instead of ‘been’, and some abbreviations include letters and numbers that aren’t even in the full length word?
Don’t Be A Bellend: Go back to school. Read a book. Change.
9. The One That Texts Whilst You’re Talking IRL
I have a few friends who are absolutely diabolical when it comes to being on their phone whilst you’re having a conversation in real life. Why did you bother coming out if you were just going to sit texting other people the entire time? Shall I go home so you can text me and we can actually have a conversation?
Don’t Be A Bellend: Not only are you a terrible texter, you’re also rude and inconsiderate. Re-evaluate your life.
10. The Sexter
Let me just say that I understand completely if you don’t agree with this one: I’m completely biased due to the fact I cannot sext to save me life. I am awkward and I think sexting is lame, so if you attempt to sext with me I will probably be immature and annoying in return.
Don’t Be A Bellend: Only sext if you’re comfortable doing it!
11. The 1AM Texter
Am I awake? Yes, because I could sense the thirst. If someone only ever texts you in the early hours of the morning, chances are they’re only interested in one thing, and it isn’t your thoughts about the economy. If you share a common interest then go for it, but I wouldn’t expect a relationship to blossom anytime ever.
Don’t Be A Bellend: It may be time to turn your phone onto Do Not Disturb at night.
12. The Caller
This asshole is the worst texter of all because they refuse to text at all. Instead, they ring you regardless of what they wish to say. Texting simply will not do when it comes to conveying their incredibly important experiences! D’you know what dude? Texting will do, calm yourself. Fair enough if it’s an emergency or a story but I have shit to do! I can’t be on the phone with you for fifteen minutes because you’re stuck in traffic or doing laundry.
