24 Questions Americans Have For The British: Answered.

1. Why do you call cookies “biscuits”?

We have so many different types of biscuits that calling everything you can dip in tea by its individual name would require far too much energy and supermarket labelling. We’ve got shit to do, like praising The Queen and complaining about the weather.

Better yet, what do you call America’s version of biscuits?

I actually have no idea what they are: are those the things you eat with gravy because that sounds hideous? They look like scones or cheese straws crossed with a bread cake? Are they sweet or savoury? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

2. Why would you eat something called spotted dick?

 

I don’t actually know anyone who eats spotted dick, and searching for a relevant image was a harrowing experience. When the desert first appeared in 1849’s The Modern Housewife Or Ménagère by Alexis Soyer it was named ‘plum bolster’ as well as spotted dick, now which of those names are you going to pick for a pudding? Damn straight: the one that sounds most like a genital disease.

3. In fact, why are most of your food names sexual?

Because having to sit through re-runs of Carry On films and Monty Python rots your brain.

4. Why do your judges still wear powdered wigs?

It’s a disguise that originated in 1574 when Judge Herman Wilson decided he wanted to go to work as a pharaoh but only Carpet Right was open that early in the morning.

5. Why do you call diapers “nappies”?

 

Because ‘shitty-baby-pants’ didn’t score well with testers.

6. How many times do you need be reminded to mind the damn gap?

After thousands of years of English society you begin to realise that the public is made up of absolute morons who will continually lean over the edge of a platform to check if a train is coming. I once saw a family cross a platform via the tracks, lifting the pram that contained a baby above their heads stopping only when a train went flying past the Doncaster station. We’re a bunch of hazardous retards that can’t be trusted.

7. Why do you drink tea in literally every situation?

If we didn’t have tea to captivate our attention we might have to pretend to be interested in other people’s situations or make eye contact with someone whilst their telling us about something horrific that’s happened. Would you rather go into a conversation without scalding hot liquid to throw if someone tries to hug you? Are you mad?

8. How on earth do you deal with the weather?

When you live in almost constant rain you learn to live with it. In fact, we’re worse when the sun is out because all we do is complain about how hot it is or get drunk in pub gardens.

9. Why do you all strip down when you see the slightest bit of sun?

BECAUSE THE SUN IS FINALLY OUT. THE GREAT ORANGE GOD HAS RETURNED. LET US FROLIC IN THE RAPTURE.

10. Why do you think Marmite tastes good?

Fuck off Marmite you society-destroying bastard.

11. Why do you have two taps instead of one?

Is it just me or is Two Taps a great rapper name? True, a lot of older establishments and houses will have you make that vital decision between freezing or scolding your hands to the point where you require a hospital visit. Stiff upper-lip, bitch: this is Great Britain.

12. What the hell is the deal with cricket?

What I’ve gathered from many a Sunday stuck watching cricket is that the idea is to knock the wickets so the wooden bar thing falls down. It’s actually really fun to play, however kids might be too precious these days to play with a proper corky ball. A girl in my primary school got one thrown in her eye once during PE and she looked like Sloth from The Goonies for about four months.

13. Why do you lose your accents when you sing?

Because 90% of the music we hear is from America? Because we don’t want to sound as annoying as country singers?

14. Speaking of accents, why do you all have SOOO many?

How else would we know which football team you support or whether you’re a southern bellend, a jacketless-Geordie or someone who wants to sell us 100 pegs for a pound?

15. How come your headlines are on a whole different level?

Our headlines are one of the best things in Britain!

16. Why are you all so stoic?

Outwardly expressing emotions is for toddlers, Disney movies and poets.

17. How many BBC channels do you have?

There’s only around 15 or something (excluding radio stations). If we didn’t have the BBC we’d be left with ITV and Channel 4, and that good sir is a society I do not wish to live in.

18. Why do you think men wearing dresses is the epitome of comedy?

Yeah, you’ve got a point there. BUT it’s not just us! Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler wear dresses more often than I do. Let us be connected by the art of comedic drag!

19. What do you want to be called? Britain, Great Britain, England, the United Kingdom, or the U.K.?

We’re more concerned as to whether you know which collection of countries you’re referring to.

20. How come you’re so obsessed with the royal family?

Queen Elizabeth and her family are god damn dimes, back off. Q.Liz has killed people with just a stare, don’t mess with her.

21. Why do you pluralize “math”?

1. We created the English language.

2. It’s mathematicS, not mathematic.

3. Pipe down.

22. How is this a condiment?

Have you never had lamb with mint sauce? HAVE LAMB WITH MINT SAUCE.

23. Why do you call lines “queues”?

Urm, again: we made the English language. We’re gonna do us, you do you.

24. And finally, how come your cursing and slang is so much better than ours?

Because we are bloody hilarious, witty, drag-loving, tea-drinking, weather-cursing, royal-family-praising people.

Questions: 24 Questions Americans Have For The British | Buzzfeed