To survive halloween you are going to need; an extreme case of paranoia and common sense. Optional; have recently made a deal with the devil or murdered someone.
- Firstly, don’t make a deal with the devil. Okay? Okay.
- If your house is full of ghosts and demons and you start getting books chucked at your head, tell everyone you know. It’s 2011 tweet it, blog it, start an “omg ghosts r in my house lol” forum.
- If you know your house is haunted and you still haven’t left yet sleep in shifts or something. Of course the ghosties are going to come hunting if you’re all asleep, you’re an easy target.
- If some axe-happy bloke is after you, and you hear a noise in the kitchen, maybe don’t go in the kitchen? If it was your mum, she would have said “oh hi, would you like a sandwich?” Unless you hear that phrase stay where you are.
- If zombies are coming to get you, I’m sorry but you’re going to die, stop reading this and start praying. Or at least play some Left 4 Dead for practise.
- Don’t be a skinny white girl who likes to run around in her underwear all day.
- Don’t get a shower. You’re going to be washing your hair - because obviously cleanliness is your key priority when being haunted - and something will come out the back of your skull, or stab you.
- If you have a few close friends, you’re bound to have a lot of things in common; lolcats, a passion for baking and the fact you murdered someone last summer. If the latter is relevant to your friendship group and they start dying: leave the country.
- If you know someone obsessed with a particular human-insect surgical experiment film, maybe don’t go visit them for a while. Unless you want to take part in a constant shared-digestive-system conga line for the rest of your life.
