If you follow me on social media or have read some of my previous posts you may know that my boyfriend is from India. His name is Amartya, he’s from Kolkata and towards the end of last year he went back to India to visit his family and friends for almost forty days. Whilst he was away it was pretty difficult to get in contact with him (at least that’s what he told me) so we didn’t talk that often. Now, don’t get me wrong I missed him whilst he was away, but what I wanted the most was to be able to keep asking him bizarre questions about his country, culture and family because it is genuinely my favourite hobby in the world. This got me thinking about all of the questions I’ve thrown at him over the past four years since we met. Of course I don’t mean any harm with my questions, I’m just curious! I made a chapati chart to show how totally not offensive I am:
For some inexplicable reason, some of the questions I ask him don’t get the best responses. So, I thought I’d share some of the worst/best ones with you guys so that anyone in a similar situation can be wary of what sorts of questions you should maybe avoid.
- Can I call you my bae of Bengal?
- Which caste are you from?
- Why did we learn in geography that Indian people either live under tarpaulin or in palaces then?
- How do I pronounce your name?
- You know why ‘Ganguly’ is a funny name, right?
- Just say ‘aboriginal developments’ one more time?
- You know ‘w’ is pronounced differently to ‘v’ right?
- Can you teach me how to speak all Indian languages?
- “AMMEE TOE MA KAY PA LOW BASHI” am I saying it right?
- I cannot make a ‘p’ and a ‘b’ noise at the same time whilst talking through my nose, TEEKA CHAY?
- You didn’t even say anything you just made a noise and shook your head what does that mean?
- How does that mean “yes”?
- So “boka chode” means thank you?
- Are you allowed to say the ‘N’ word?
- Do you class yourself as Asian?
- Could you quickly just explain all of Hinduism to me including all the Gods and all the festivals and everything?
- Can we please go to Diwali one day so we can throw paint at each other?
- Have you heard about that guy who just has his hand in the air all the time and his arm is messed up?
- Why do you keep saying you’re too warm, you’re from India?
- You had to sleep under a mosquito net ALL THE TIME?
- Are there any Bollywood movies with no dancing?
- So romantic romance, romantic comedy, romantic adventure, romantic action, romantic fantasy, romantic horror, romantic sic-fi and romantic mystery are the only Bollywood genres I can choose from?
- Why are the women in Bollywood movies so shrill?
- Can you please explain this music video to me: they were in the Alps arguing but now they’re eating apples on a yacht, I TMAKES NO SNSE?
- Can you dance like that?
- Have you heard of Bombay Dreams (TALLATAYAHTAYAHTAYAHTAYAH TALLATAYA…)?
- Do you like Slumdog Millionaire?
- How have you not heard of MC Hammer?
- Why are so quiet until you get on the phone and then you’re the loudest human ever?
- It’s not made of cotton, is that a problem?
- I thought Aamir Khan was a boxer?
- PLEASE STOP DANCING?
- People keep asking me if you can speak English, am I okay to start telling them we actually communicate through drawings or dreams or something?
- How many stripy t-shirts do you own?
- Does anyone you know actually work at a call centre?
- Is it weird that train doors shut here?
- What do you mean you don’t want a drink, THIS IS A BRITISH TRAIN?
- Do we really have to travel for three hours, THAT’S SO LONG?
- Ah, so you have a driving licence in India… urm, you’re not planning on driving here are you because I haven’t written my will yet?
- Have you ever ridden an elephant?
- I know we’ve only been dating for a couple of months and I don’t really like the idea of marriage BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE WON’T BE AN ELEPHANT AT OUR WEDDING?
- Are cows just allowed to walk around and disrupt traffic and go in shops?
- On a scale of 0 to a cow how much do you love me?
- Why would you introduce me to banana chips, Limca and Thumbs Up if you weren’t going to bring some home all the time I NEED MORE MAN?
- How do you make [insert any Indian dish here]?
- Do we really have to have this conversation about how much chicken costs every time we come to Lidl?
- Could you please just not put any red chilli powder in the curry, that yogurt trick doesn’t actually work?
- Could you please pass me those naan breads?
- Who tf is Maggi?
- People keep calling me racist for saying you eat curry all the time, BUT YOU DO?
- Biryiani looks gross though?
- I have a nut allergy, is that a problem?
- And I don’t eat fish or eggs?
- Yes I am the whitest white girl who ever lived, what’s your problem?
- There are foods other than rice, you know?
- Do you actually want me to try eating with my hands because you’ll need to hand me a bib and get the hoover ready?
- I don’t need details but seriously what are you doing in the bathroom and why are you taking a shower right now?
- How do you moult so much and yet still have so much body hair?
- I’m British and even I don’t like Cricket, can we talk about something else?
- Why do you keep writing F.L.A.M.E.S?
- Have you seen EVERY INDIAN YOUTUBER EVER?
- Is it bad I really want to wear bindis?
- And saris?
- OH REALLY, WELL MAYBE I SHOULD TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT [literally anything other than work]?
- So, your granddad is your dad’s brother’s wife’s cousin’s brother?
- Is it normal to be in constant fear that your parents will hate me?
- Are your family going to mind that my parents are divorced and I was raised by a single mother?
- Or that I’m a writer?
- On the Internet?
- Do you know when you said your parents can’t know about me until we’ve been dating for ten years, were you being serious?
- Can my grandparents tell you about every time they, and everyone they know, have been to India?
- My grandma wants to know what kind of doctor you are?
- My grandma wants to know where your parents live?
- My grandma wants to know where you live?
- My grandma wants to know if you grew up with servants?
- My grandma wants to know if you can eat dry food, you know, not in a sauce?
- My grandma wants to know if you want a green card?
- My grandma wants to know why you don’t celebrate Christian holidays?
- My grandma wants to know if you’ve ever heard of ISIS?
- My grandma wants to know if they’re okay to drive three hundred miles to see us just in case I’ve “gone somewhere else”?
- Speaking of somewhere else, will you take me around India one day?
- How many times have you been to the Taj Mahal?
- Why are you leaving the room?
- DUDE COME BACK?