2011 was some how eventful, terrifying and boring.
The Kardashians.
As kim’s sex tape is now four years old, and time in desperate faux-celebrity world is similar to dog years, i’m sure she was riddled with worry that people would forget about her. unfortunately, hollywood would never let that happen to anyone who makes them money for doing practically nothing. so, what’s even less classy than a sex tape? pseudo-reality shows, sham marriages and an attempted music career. precisely.
Vampires.
Arguably, 2010 did this. unless you’re making a movie of mona the vampire or being human, i do not care. true blood was alright, until sookie was a fairy or something. Twilight was never alright, clearly. I haven’t watched a single second of vampire diaries, as I don’t want to be able to offer any opinions to anyone who attempts to gage me in conversation about it. Vampire related things just need to go away now. Oh, and stephenie meyer needs to be kept away from writing equipment for the rest of her life.
Pretty much everything to do with music.
Why are jedward still on telly? I really, really don’t care if Selena Gomez and Justin Beiber are dating, actually i’d prefer to never think about it. Avril Lavigne attempted relevance again but thankfully everyone else realised she’s just awful. Blink 182 reformed and practically shat on all their previous work. People kept pronouncing Bon Iver wrong. X factor was worse than usual. Rihanna, Katy Perry, Nikki Minaj and the rest of that little pocket of artists all decided to dress like lunatics because lady gaga got attention for it. Everyone was doing sexy things in da club and hitting the floor, and those who weren’t were either recording construction work and turning it into ‘dubstep’ or wailing forlornly to be featured on a banking advert.
“The awkward moment when…”, planking and Jim Carrey’s love vlog.
The awkward moment when your awkward moment isn’t actually that awkward you just saw this phrase somewhere and you lack any creative thought. Maybe you were lying down on a table finding yourself hilarious and then you realised you’re a prick. That’s pretty awkward. Or maybe you had a mental breakdown and just happened to be Jim Carrey. Firstly, no camera has ever done anything bad enough to warrant being that close to Jim Carrey’s face. Except the one that filmed Iggy Pop’s car insurance adverts. He’s seen things man. Emma Stone said “it was sweet”, which I think means terrifying in PR talk.
Really awful parenting.
Casey Anthony. That mum who gave her daughter breast implant vouchers. That other mum who gave her daughter botox. Anyone with children involved in Toddler’s and Tiaras. Rebecca Black’s parents. The list goes on.
Regression.
Pizza is a vegetable and ‘jeggings’ is in the dictionary. Can’t argue with that logic.
Being constantly terrified of impending doom.
Future predicting mayans and religious nutters, zombies, the threat of being smacked in the face with a flat screen tv or a bag of basmati rice by a rioter. Japan’s terrifying tsunami and nuclear reactor explosion. Tunisia, Egypt, Britain, America and Charlie Sheen all went mental. News corp ruined whatever little respect journalists had left. The Smurfs opened the stock exchange. There’s sing along haribo adverts, desperate scousewives and this morning probing famous anuses on tv, how have we survived this long and are we all doomed in 2012? Probably not.
