How To Survive If You Are Living In A Horror Movie.

It’s that time of year where we celebrate death and the paranormal in a happy, joyful, flamboyant yet harrowing manner; Halloween. I, along with the majority of the population, really enjoy Halloween mostly because I can make people watch horror movies with me and it’s less weird because it’s not just in the middle of an average Tuesday. Since I’ve watched my fair share of supposedly scary movies, I’ve picked up on a couple of survival methods (largely based on having common sense) that people in these movies just don’t seem to have. Ever. So I thought I’d share them.

Hauntings & Curses

1. Don’t make a deal with the devil. If you have already made a deal with the devil, or suspect that one of your ancestors may have, it’s time to go to a church or something. If it’s one of those baby-snatching deals, send your kid to go live with some nice people in Alaska.
2. As fun as it may seem to read from a mouldy old book with a pentagram on the cover, maybe just don’t. There’s nothing in there that could possibly be good, the best you’re going to get is some nice calligraphy and even then it’s probably written in blood.
3. Before you bought your house you should have done the standard ‘Ancient Burial Site, Past Murderer’s Abode or Coven and Number Of Suicides’ check. If you didn’t check, or if your house is a solitary mansion in a forest, you’re dumb. Move.
4. If your house is full of ghosts and/or demons and you start getting books chucked at your head, tell everyone you know. It’s 2013; tweet it, blog it, start an “omg ghosts r in my house lol” forum or /r/myhouseislegithaunted. If you are filming the action, do something with the footage; put it on Youtube. Don’t just sit on it and not show anybody? Also, the first time you see a little dead kid should be the first time you raise concerns. Hell, if I even saw fridge magnets arranged in a threatening manner I would be straight on my way to a priest or someone. It would not get to the point where there are just dead people wandering around in my house being dicks before I started believing it was happening.
5. Invite people who don’t believe you to come and live with you; either the paranormal activity will continue and they’ll believe you or it’ll stop so as to not show itself to others. Everybody wins. Except for the extra victims you’re bringing to your house. They should have believed you. See, life death lessons.
6. If you know your house is haunted and leaving wouldn’t make a difference sleep in shifts and have all the lights you own switched on until you get help. Of course the ghosties are going to come hunting if you’re all asleep in the dark. I know, you’re not supposed to feed the spirit/ demon with such acknowledgement and fear, but it’s already here. Might as well not wake up screaming in the night if you can help it?
7. Don’t get a shower. You’re going to be washing your hair - because obviously cleanliness is your key priority when being haunted - and something will come out the back of your skull.

Murderers & Psychopaths

1. If some axe-happy bloke is after you and you hear noises coming from your kitchen, maybe don’t go in the kitchen? At what point is it necessary to follow the creepy noises? Run away from the scary noises, go get yourself a suitable weapon. Don’t go in the kitchen with a tennis racket and expect not to be murdered.
2. Don’t be a skinny, conventionally attractive white girl who likes to run around in her underwear all day.
   3. Also, don’t be of any other race. And don’t be a jerk. If you can, become a squirrel or something.
3. If you’re part of a close friendship group you’re bound to have a lot of things in common; The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy movie night, inside jokes, maybe the fact you murdered someone last summer. If the latter is true and they start dying: leave the country. Bail. Bail and leave your friend’s who are too stupid to do the same.
4. If you’re being chased just don’t fall down. We learn to walk and run really early on in our lives, it’s actually really basic.
5. If you know someone obsessed with a particular human-insect surgical experiment film, maybe don’t go visit them for a while. Unless you want to take part in a constant shared-digestive-system conga line for the rest of your life.
6. If you manage to ‘kill’ the murderer that’s after you, just set him on fire or swiftly take his head off whilst he’s down. He’s probably not dead, they’re never really dead.

If You Have Just Woken Up From A Coma

1. Read the following:

Zombie Apocalypse

Okay, I am aware that people infected with a disease that turns them into insane cannibals or who have not been raised from the dead/ bitten by someone who has been raised from the dead are not technically “zombies” to some, but I’m going to group them all together because otherwise I’d have about fifteen different categories.

1. Don’t get bitten/ eaten.
2. I live in the UK and hence do not have fire arms knocking about in a cupboard. Even if I did, I wouldn’t use a gun in a highly populated area because they attract more zombies due to the noise, duh. I do have a baseball bat in case of burglars, creeps or zombies so I would use that until I can get to a hardware store such as Homebase or B&Q to get more sustainable weaponry. I suggest you get a weapon and do the same.
3. Steal more crap. Get snacks; canned goods etc and some medical supplies from a store. Also, steal loads of petrol from a near by petrol station if you can, either for your car or to set up a fire trap in case the zombies are closing in on your territory… And to burn corpses.
4. Kill anything with rotting flesh trying to consume you but don’t get yourself stuck in a horde.
5. Try and get in contact with people. I would try to get in contact with my nan because she grew up in a rough area of Hull in the 60’s. I’m pretty sure she has already slaked the blood of her enemies across her face at least a dozen times, she would be very helpful in an apocalypse.
6. If you can’t find anyone you know, try and join another group of survivors. Unless they have elected a sociopath as their leader.
7. Find somewhere suitable to camp out, this depends on the severity of the situation and the types of undead you’re faced with. For example, is almost everyone a zombie or is it just starting? If it’s the latter, there’s loads of places to go hide out and seek protection like a government building where there are trained people with guns. If you’re dealing with zombies who can’t handle stairs then just hide up at the top of a building. If they can run, climb up walls as though being dead means they can just stick to stuff or are self aware I err, I don’t know where you’re going to go. Do not go to a crowded or popular area. Just drive out to somewhere reasonably secluded, try to get on a warship and sail out to sea or try desperately to find a safe-haven, I guess. But don’t go to a farm because that’s boring.
8. Be Daryl Dixon.
9. If you have a child, keep an eye on that kid, yeah? Don’t let him/her just wander about. Speaking of which, for the of God do not impregnate anyone/ get pregnant. Sexy time and apocalypse time are two completely separate times. Unless you have to repopulate the Earth. And even then, why?
10. Don’t go in the sewers or to a hospital or get in a helicopter.
11. If you created the zombies by creating an (un)deadly plague or raised them by accident or for vengeance, you deserve to be eaten a little bit. Or fix this fast.
12. If the government is planning to bomb/ nuke the area you are in because it is infested with the dead, firstly you should have left that place a while ago and secondly, run. Get far away. If you can’t then that’s bad luck but at least you weren’t eaten alive.
13. Don’t actually refer to the zombies as zombies. I’m not sure why, I assume after the zombie apocalypse has begun we will forget all knowledge of zombies ever having existed in popular culture and so we will refer to them as anything but.

Almost Everything Else

1. Don’t go camping in the woods.
2. Don’t travel around Europe.
3. Don’t be a detective.
4. Don’t do anything that would imply you do not value your life.
5. Don’t hitchhike.

I hope these are mostly things that you’ve also thought about when watching a horror movie. If they’re not then you may actually be living in one.

I’m going to go drink vodka with red food colouring in now, because I’m a grown up and sometimes I like to pretend I’m drinking blood. Happy Halloween!