Since it’s The World Cup if I want to be social with anyone at any point over the next month I’ll have to be prepared to watch and talk about football. So really - because I’m English and everyone’s mental about football anyway - it’s like an entire month of Saturdays. Tonight I’m pretending to be interested in football for food, because my grandparents are making pizza in celebration.
As you may have guessed, I don’t particularly like football. I don’t know whether I genuinely find it boring or if I’m just spiteful towards it as my entire family is obsessed. In fact, I was looking through my mum’s collection of photos the other day and there are more albums full of pictures of football matches than there are of me and my brother as children.
Brazil VS Croatia
2 Mins
What I’ve gathered from the first two minutes of the Brazil versus Croatia match is that I can make the animals cobra and crab out of ‘BRA’ and ‘CRO’.
10 Mins
My grandma, who’s a bit odd, was just asking if I would wear her wig so she could style and cut it easily when she was rudely interrupted because Croatia scored a goal. This required my grandad to throw his hands in the air and nearly smack the wall and for everyone to go “AAAAAH” like the house is on fire.
17 Mins
I feel like David Attenborough.
26 Mins
I got distracted speaking to my grandma again. Apparently, I shouldn’t put more than a stone on if I ever get pregnant because otherwise I’ll get stretch marks and I’ll look like a watermelon.
28 Mins
The Brazilian strip could not be more yellow if they tried. They’ve equalised now, which did not receive as big of an uproar here as the first goal did. Although, if I hear the phrase “that’s football for you!” one more time I’m going to headbutt the tv.
33 Mins
Did you know Croatia is only the size of West Virginia? Which I guess isn’t that surprising considering France fits into Texas. Nikola Tesla was also born there, and they created neckties.
42 Mins
The Brazilians sprayed a line on the pitch for a free kick and my grandparents have gone off on a technology-today-is-pretty-much-magic rant.
Half-Time
PIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAA. PIZZA. PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA. pizza.
51 Mins
This is very much turning into a “Stuff My Grandma Says” piece. Apparently she stopped smoking for seven years once because she had a dream about a bucket full of cancerous lungs. Nice.
55 Mins
Even the people who are genuinely interested in the football are talking about other stuff now.
68 Mins
There’s a player called Hulk? Eh?
76 Mins
So my nan gave me a jar of 100% Natural Raw Virgin Coconut Oil and I decided to google some uses for it. In Wellness Mama’s ‘101 Uses for Coconut Oil’ it suggests women rub some on their perineum after birth. Now, my grandma and I did not know what a perineum is and so we google imaged it. I can never look my grandmother in the eyes again.
83 Mins
Games corrupt or something. The slow-mo replay faces have been my favourite thing about the match so far. Also, I’ve missed a goal at some point? Go Brazil?
86 Mins
Some guy called Gustav (?????) just did the most amazing ballerina-esque fall. It was majestic.
90 Mins
Is anyone really that surprised that Brazil won? Really?
Full Time
I’m going back to natural habitat; watching Game Of Thrones in bed.