Every so often when I enter a super market I’ll have a quick glance at the magazine rack because I’m extremely susceptible to product layouts. Amongst the fat-shaming and claims that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant for the seven hundredth time there is always the bold, 600px word “SEX” slapped all over the cover of Cosmopolitan. Cosmo has always annoyed me and for numerous reasons, but their sex tips are undeniably hilarious. I’ve often read them whilst sat in the hairdressers or the dentist and thought “but… how?” or “who has the disposable income to buy all that just for that?” to myself, often trying to work out the odd angles and positions with my hands.
So, I thought I’d see just how ridiculous their sex tips have gotten and oh man, they’ve gotten pretty ridiculous:
I have so many questions:
- How long are your nipples?
- How many nipples do you have?
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How dexterous are your nipples?
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Are they like tentacles or like a mop?
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Do your nipples have knuckles?
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Do you think a man who likes to have his feet tickled by nipples is really good boyfriend material?
Step 1. Twirl wrists, 1 clockwise and 1 anti-clockwise.
Step 2. Move your arms up and down so you look like Kate Bush.
Step 3. Go twist all your door knobs. When finished, go to your neighbours’ houses and twist all of their doorknobs.
Step 4. Move thumbs in a figure of eight and tell people you are trying to go back in time when asked what you are doing.
Step 5. Have an aneurism.
“Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm”? Listen lady, I have horrific hay fever right now and it’s about as erotic as a gun shot wound. Also, I refuse to take pepper into my bedroom. I don’t know why, I just feel like that’s a good life decision.
Show how virile you are by acting like a savage dog ripping open a bin bag.
I swear Cosmo writers have absolutely no knowledge of how the human anatomy works or what it looks like. Do they expect the bloke to just plunge face-up into her chest cavity?
Alright so your boyfriend walks into the bedroom and finds you surrounded by paint roller trays or buckets - depending on the size of your sponges - filled with paint whilst you’re crouched on a large plastic sheet like Dexter. You’re completely nude except for your boobs which are covered in “edible body paint” (which I didn’t know was a thing) and you want to then print his body with your weird boob sponges? Hey, why not just use gravy instead of paint to save money and afterwards you can both sacrifice a puppy to your washing machine.
Since I apparently don’t know anything about sex, I thought I’d come up with some sex tips that I’m sure Cosmo would approve of. Whatcha think?
