There’s an aspect of male behaviour that’s almost becoming a theme amongst every person with a penis I meet. I now understand why there are films and books made on the cliched male late teenage virgin. If one more guy asks me “SHE PUT A KISS AT THE END OF THE TEXT? WHAT DO I DO? DOES SHE LOVE ME YET?” I will make it a personal ambition of mine to ensure you lose your virginity to a salami slicer. The answers no by the way, probably not. She hasn’t come round since you wrote that love letter in your own blood last month.

To be fair, I have no idea how to talk to anyone. As far as women go, I can’t make sandwiches and although I like unicorns I don’t think I’m ready to love and collect every single stuffed horse teddy or ornament. Nor am i likely to pick knitting over Xbox. But I am very experienced in menfolk who think vaginas possess magical telepathic powers so they always ask me about girls they like. Here are the most common types of guys I come across and their usual reactions so you can refer to them, recognise whether or not you are one of them and then stop it.

The Desperate Guy

“she looked at me three times in an hour! should i ask her to go to mcdonald’s? i’m going to send her a chunk of my hair to show my undying love!”

He also probably thinks writing an abundance of poetry about her is romantic. She was probably looking at him because he was smelling her hair and singing “When a man love a woman” … and crying.

You’re this guy if: you take sneaky photos of the girl, print them out and sit in the corner of your room in the fettle position rubbing them on you. Your facebook employment status is ‘voyeur’.

The Never-Shuts-Up-About-His-Ex Guy.

“why doesn’t she love me? I gave her my heart, she was the love of my life.”

For the love of god, it was three years ago, stop it. If you really can’t move on become a monk, there’s a serious lack of monks these days.

You’re this guy if: your ex has a restraining order against you. And you break it. Regularly. By defecating on her front lawn.

The Deluded Guy.

“i’m amazing and i’ll [insert dysphemism here]”

No pun intended. Maybe. No girl likes an arrogant, self-absorbed idiot.

You’re this guy if: you talk like a normal person would when they’re drunk, when you’re sober.

The Likes-The-Bitch Guy.

“she’s so feisty, but i bet she’s actually really caring and sweet under that false bravado”

No. No she’s not. Ninety percent of the time she’s actually just a bitch.

You’re this guy: if you’re a guy.