Earlier this month, my grandparents went on a Mediterranean cruise and, as he wasn’t going to be able to go himself, my grandad very kindly bought my brother, his girlfriend and I tickets to Wembley. Unbeknownst to me, Hull City had apparently done so well this year that they were going to play Sheffield Wednesday at the legendary stadium for the chance to move up into the Premier League.

Needless to say, I am eternally grateful for such a wonderful gift as I’m sure visiting Wembley stadium will be a fantastic experience. Shit, if even I’ve heard of a football stadium it has to be something special. Still, why would Grandpapa Harmer send me of all people to such an important match? Well, I’ve accompanied him to two games at the KC Stadium this season and Hull City have won both times. Despite incident during which the ball almost took my head off at the first match, the fact we won 5-1 at the second match means I’m lucky.

To be fair, I’ve been called far worse things than lucky so even though I disagree I’m not about to deny such an honour. After all, even the most logical people become invested in lucky charms and rituals when it comes to football (more on that later). If you’ve ever wondered why human civilisation decided to pray to gods or believe that shiny pieces of rock can heal terminal diseases all you have to do is visit a football game. This fascinates me, and so I decided to write about my day as a Hull City fan to see what it’s truly like to be part of such a strange environment.

There are a couple of things you need to know before I begin though:

1. Although I understand how football is played, I know very little about the fandom that surrounds football.

2. I am not a morning person.

The Road To Wembley

7:04 Everyone can piss off I’m not going on a coach for six hours to watch a bunch of overpaid chavs kick a ball at each other.

7:13 Right I have my coffee, I’ve washed my hair and as long as I don’t fall back to sleep I shouldn’t be late.

8:02 I’m late.

8:26 Oh yes good plan have almost a hundred coaches but don’t park them in order. I feel like I live in a time trial.

8:47 We managed to find the coach - they actually were in numerical order but I can’t count this early in the morning. I’m feeling a bit panicky. The toilet says ‘not in use’ and I don’t know if that means it’s unoccupied or unusable. I need to pee every fifteen minutes so either it works or you guys are about to read a lot of colourful phrases detailing how much I need to use the bathroom.

11:23 I’m sat next to a kid who’s at that age where he’s started growing facial hair but he doesn’t know what to do with it. You know, that age where you’ve hit puberty but you still go straight to the Kids section on Sky. For example, he’s watching TED on his iPad but he also got really excited when I pointed out parachuters. To be fair, one of them did a flip.

12:06 Just as the staple bratty kids that come with every long haul trip discovered the coach toilet was actually locked, we stopped at Peterborough services. Everything smells of pickles, a woman is drinking prosecco from the bottle in the car park and I’ve been stood waiting for the toilets for 15 minutes. Apparently we women are yet to evolve passed needing to do our makeup at the sinks despite the fact people are waiting to wash their hands and they all look like sweaty, orange mannequins anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I also have a full face of makeup on but I don’t think the state of my face is worth causing a human traffic jam.

13:54 If I play another round of I Spy I might punch someone.

14:09 I wish English roads had more tunnels. I don’t know what it is but everyone gets so excited when we go through them.

16:40 We’re in Wembley! I’ve never been here before and it really is awesome in the purest sense of the word. Apparently we’re in the fancy bit of the East Stand, the bit where you go through doors rather than turnstiles. It cost me £17 for two pies - one for Abbey and one for me - and a pint of cider, but I suppose I got the tickets and coach ride for free and it was a pretty good combo. Now, the game is on.

19:31 Okay guys that was actually incredible. Hull City won an intense game - a few of the Sheffield Wednesday players must have found it very intense as they kept going down - and I couldn’t be happier. I almost cried when the team held the trophy up, I’ve never seen such proud men. I knew my granddad, who has supported Hull City for 64 years, and thousands of other fans were celebrating victory and it was a wonderful feeling. Is that what supporting football is all about? 1 - 0 guys, we’re going up!

21:11 We’re finally out of the Wembley stadium car park. Considering I wrote the last entry when I first got on the coach it has taken a while. That said, it seems far longer due the three particularly intolerant children I mentioned this morning who haven’t stopped complaining and asking about why we haven’t moved the entire time. Listen, where do you expect the coach driver to go? There are over 80 Hull City coaches attempting to go out of one exit, plus Sheffield Wednesday’s coaches and the people who drove here. THEN there’s London traffic. What did you expect? This isn’t GTA, there’s no cheat code or in-app purchase we can use to get out faster. Be patient for one goddamn second and shut up.

21:15 On the plus side, being a third wheel has its benefits. Hello six hours (at least, please) of leg room and stretching.

21:57 The past forty minutes have been the longest of my life. There are three guys sat across the aisle from me who I’ve decided to name Pod, Tic and Rus. Pod for Pre-pubescent One Direction, Tic as he’s Tumblr in the Closet and Rus, Really Ugly Scarlett (Johansson). Rus is particularly irritating as he laughs like a hyena who has to wear a helmet at all times.

22:14 Pod and Tic are now smelling Rus’ armpits.

22:40 Last night I downloaded eighteen hours of Coast to Coast AM podcasts as I’ve used up all my data for this month. I absolutely love this show. I love how I can’t decipher whether George thinks his guests and callers are completely insane or if he believes they actually have been abducted by aliens who created a digital earth for us 5000 years ago to breed us as slaves. I even find myself pulling faces at some of the things people say before eventually beginning to think they might be on to something. Right now I’m listening to the Tuesday 24th May show featuring clinical psychologist Matthew McKay who claims to communicate with his son from the other side. He’s describing the process of reincarnation and it is exactly like a recurring dream I used to have as a child. In every dream I’d be sat in a white room choosing options for my life when I eventually went to live it. I’d choose my personality traits, my thought processes, all of it but there was also another trait attached to whatever I chose.

22:50 My thoughts about C2C got cut off as we approached the service station. However, the cops have stopped coaches entering there, which I sort of get as I wouldn’t fancy dealing with thousands of rival football fans on my night shift. It did mean that I had to use the coach toilet again though. So far only me and the bratty boy children have been able to fit in, and I struggle not only because of my hips but even my height. Apparently coach… builders (???) only expect children and the cast of The Muppets to use their creations. I don’t even think Sam The Eagle would fit in. It is the British way. There are a few morbidly obese people on here I feel sorry for as there’s not a chance they’ll fit in. They may have to wee in a crisp packet.

23:52 We pulled into another, much smaller service station where there was a Costa with two baristas and a petrol station. That meant all of about four members of staff and hundreds of us. Thank you so so much to the two baristas at Costa, you’re very efficient to the point of envy and my hot chocolate is lovely.

22:55 Apparently we couldn’t get into the Peterborough services as some Sheffield Wednesday fans had gone and trashed it. Smashing. I am a bit suspicious though considering the Sheffield coaches were supposed to use a different route, so I think it may have been Hull City fans. Either way: good going, you fistful of assholes.

22:56 There are still people complaining about how bad this place was, and how it was a “nightmare”; WE WEREN’T MEANT TO STOP THERE.

22:57 The dad of the bratty kids is begging them to not tell their mum that they had chocolate and crisps for tea. Not much else here like.

00:58 The last two hours have gone so quickly thank god. We’re on the slowest coach of all 80 coaches so we won’t be back for a while yet. We could see empty coaches traveling back to wherever they came from as far back as Goole.

02:13 Finally home. Today was amazing! I know I probably complained a lot but hey, that’s what I do best. I really did enjoy myself, I even enjoyed sitting on the coach for hours just listening to my weird shows and watching how families interacted with each other. Today I saw thousands of people I never even knew existed, people who I will probably never see again, and I saw them immersed in joy. When I finally go to bed and close my eyes I know I’ll think about the thousands of people who are celebrating this victory across my home city right now, and I’ll be happy to know I am one of them.