I’m at that awkward time in my life where all of my friends are either at university, sorting out their first mortgages or are at work all the time whilst I sit at home trying to break my record of how many oranges I can balance on my face at once. I’m up to four, which is kind of good except if you take into account how abnormally large my head is.
As I’m surrounded by busy people (read: boring, selfish people trying to get somewhere in their lives) I very rarely get to go out anymore so I’ve gotten pretty rusty and y’know, being outside. I went out properly for the first time this entire year - unless you count New Years’ Eve when I went out with my Grandparents, it was wild - last Saturday and one of the things I’ve completely forgotten how to deal with is guys coming up to me and drunkenly slurring words in my face. So, I decided to write out how not to approach me in a bar, and why wouldn’t you be; my blogging game is strong. Uh, why do I do this stuff:
What They Say: “I don’t usually go for girls like you.”
My Interpretation: “I think this is a compliment that will make you curious, make you feel special and fuel your self-confidence as well as your continuous battle with all other females for male attention.“
Firstly, girls like me? What ‘kind’ of girl am I? Why don’t you usually go for girls with this super special, secret quality? Secondly, what did this other previous ‘type’ do to you? I don’t mean to sound like a Don’t Label Me I’m A Fluid Human Being With No Defining Qualities Asshole, I realise that there are different types of people, but I just don’t understand the phrasing in this cliche. EXPLAIN YOURSELF, STRANGER.
What They Say: “YOU’RE 21! You only look 15!”
My Interpretation: “I enjoy playing with the boundaries of statutory rape!“
Aw man, what are you saying? Would you like to go back in time and re-phrase that? I’ll close my eyes and give you ten seconds to leave with a bit of dignity. You can’t buy me a drink and then tell me you thought I was below the legal age limit of basically everything in and about this situation. Shut it down.
What They Say: “I smoke weed a lot. All the time. I’m stoned right now.”
My Interpretation: “I think that smoking weed makes me an interesting person. I think you’ll be impressed with the fact I smoke, or intrigued by how laid back and edgy I think I am. I am far more impressed with myself than anyone could ever be, which is why I feel the need to share this information at every possible opportunity. I don’t think I have any other positive attributes though, LIIIKE MEEEE. “
Since you seem to have based your entire personality around movie stereotypes, I’ll try to communicate with you accordingly: duuuuuuuude, I don’t care man, whatever. How far away is the skkkkyyyyyyy thooouuugh?
When I say I don’t care, I don’t mean it as in ‘I’m so cool, we’re all free spirits and I really want to impress you with how laid back I am’, I mean I don’t care. I was aware of the existence of drugs when you were still trying to figure out how lego worked. The level of intrigue I reach after hearing someone gloat about how stoned they are is about the same as looking through someone else’s holiday photos of their camping trip to Bridlington. The fact that this was the first (and possibly, only) piece of information that you shared with me indicates to me that you are actually really boring. Besides, what did you want me to say? Well done, you smell awful and have the personality of a plant! Let us leave this place so you can tell me about every time you’ve ever smoked a joint ever and nothing else! You don’t play by societies’ rules in the most minor way possible! Much rebel, very edge.
What They Say: “Oh sorry! I didn’t realise you had a boyfriend!”
My Interpretation: “Although you made it very clear that you weren’t interested using body language, walking away from me and actually stating that you weren’t interested I didn’t respect that until you made it clear I was stepping on another man’s territory.”
My opinion and decision to this guy means absolutely nothing until I bring another man into the situation. He respects his fellow guy, he knows it’s wrong to hit on another man’s girlfriend. However, without an owner I am totally free for any man to drag me back to his cave and “no” doesn’t mean a single thing. Cool.
What They Say: “You’re beautiful…”
My Interpretation: “Your face is looking pretty symmetrical tonight guuuuuuuuurl.“
Okay, so this one is not bad on it’s own; it’s nice to be told you’re beautiful and they’re just trying to be nice. It’s how they follow up this statement that decides their fate: usually it’s either they get an awkward hug or I get them thrown out. For future reference, here are things you should follow this statement with: nothing, a high five, a quote from LOTR or The Matrix. Things you should not do (ever) are go to kiss me, touch my face, stare at me silently and most of all, do not put your hand down the back of my jeans or up my dress. Also, don’t do this shit in the streets or out of a car window or in the day time because that makes me want to barrel roll into a hedge.
So, yeah. See how overwhelmed I get by going outside? Exciting. D’you know how you could get someone’s attention in a bar if you’ve only used these tactics and they’ve failed? Act like a normal person. There you go.