So I saw this the other day; the girlfriend zone. I thought it was brilliant because it’s one of the things I’ve been trying to come up with a term for since I was thirteen. Which is in it’s self evidence that I’ve not been spending my time or energy wisely for a long time. I’ve never been able to completely sympathise with people discussing their states of confusion and torment in “the friend-zone”. I even dislike the term as it trivialises friendships into levels or you know, zones. As does “girlfriend zone” in the exact same way, but that undermines my introduction so we’ll just accept that and continue. Although, arguably the girlfriend zone is somewhere you’re placed by another, kind of like on a pedestal I guess. Anyway, I’ve always thought that if an attraction to someone isn’t reciprocated, you have no choice but to try to move on from it. You can’t change them, you can’t make them like you; decide whether you can continue with the friendship or part ways. Why try to force a platonic relationship to become a romantic one when there are other people in the world who you can be in a different relationship with in which you both have a mutual level for affection? But some people just don’t seem to understand that basic logic for some reason. And that’s how some of my friendships, in this case particularly with men, end up getting very uncomfortable. So, I thought I’d tell you guys about my experience in the girlfriend zone.
I have this group of friends I see every so often who I’ve known since we were in high school together. When I was fifteen one of them - we’ll call him ‘A’ - who I considered to be a platonic friend, admitted he had feelings for me. I tried to tell him I didn’t have the same feelings for him multiple times but he wouldn’t stop persisting. I then tried to distance myself from him but he’d always say he just wanted to be friends and then make it weird again. Over about a year or so he managed to make me feel so bad about what I was doing to him (that is, not being in love with him) that I gave in and we dated for a little while. Obviously, begrudgingly going out with someone doesn’t make you care about them more, so we broke up. I recall him telling me I was dead inside, he wrote violent poetry about a guy just because he spoke to me; I was the embodiment of satan and epitome of cruelty because I wasn’t attracted to him. That was about four years ago and since then we haven’t been particularly close, nor have I wanted to be.
Since then I’ve become friends with other guys, including two of my best friends Alex and Jonny, most of which I’ve never been in this situation with because it definitely does not apply to every man or every friendship. People are people, not gender stereotypes. If we do find that one of us is attracted to the other we talk about it and make it clear. It’s just something that happens sometimes with some friendships, but if you deal with it decently, it usually works out okay. Of course, a friendship can turn into a relationship when both individuals are interested in the other, but when they aren’t you’ve just got to accept that and not act like you are being deprived of something that belongs to you or that you deserve.
Last night I went to A’s 21st because I thought enough time had passed for the whole situation not to be a problem anymore, but after I got home I received some calls from him around 3am. When I decided to pick up the phone I could hear him outside my house. He’d asked me to get out of the taxi with him, I’d repeatedly said no and then he thought it was okay to come to my house. Logic. I figured he was drunk and wanted someone to talk to, plus I didn’t want him lurking around my house so we went for a walk. The conversation turned to how he felt about me and how I don’t feel anything for him. He told me a lot of things I’m in no way comfortable repeating although they did include how my skirt was too short, how I was the most sexually attractive girl he’d ever met and something about my oestrogen levels, amongst many other objectifying and demeaning comments. But he still really wanted us to be friends again.
His take on my position in this ‘friendship’ really irritated me as I worry that more people think this of women with male friends. According to A’s logic I have male friends, or “male minions” as he put it, because I draw them in by implying that one day we’ll be in a relationship but really I just use them to do things for me and give me attention. That’s literally the only reason I have any of my friends who happen to have been born with a penis. I couldn’t possibly just have male friends, as well as having female friends, on the basis that they’re all people and if we get along we’ll create a friendship. And in turn, all my male friends are only pretending to have genuine, platonic friendships with me because they have an ulterior motive of having sex with me because they are nothing more than their junk. In fact, I just sit about like a princess and demand men - who are basically Neanderthals perpetuating the stereotype that they can’t control their need to have sex with everything and that’s the only reason they do anything - tell me I’m pretty and feed me grapes. That’s just an average Tuesday.
Of course, one of the main reasons I don’t want to have any sort of relationship with A - other than being repeatedly placed in The Girlfriend Zone - is that he is a dick. But I’ve had male friends who’ve been completely fine until I have to tell them that no, I don’t want to be their future wife. I’ve been called a cock tease, toxic, a harlot at one point for some reason and all just because I don’t share the same kind of feelings that the individual ‘friend‘ has for me. I’m made to feel like I’m cruel, nasty, cold, and the friendship becomes uncomfortable, sometimes intimidating based on how persistent and stubborn some of the guys have been. I’m blamed for their emotions regardless of the fact they are capable, self aware, individual entities separate from my own self that I have no control over and for not wanting to have sex with them or be their girlfriend after all the effort they’ve put into our friendship. I find it disgusting that there are people out there that think that because they partake in normal behaviour - i.e being nice, kind, friendly etc. - with someone else who they could hypothetically have sex with they then expect or deserve to have sex with that person. And if the person refuses, they are regarded as the villain. That doesn’t make any sense? I am not a bad person because I don’t want to have sex with you. You’re a bad person for assuming that I should and being angry that I don’t.
I tried to talk to another of my friends about this and his response was “you should try and tone down your awesome”. Very eloquent. Should I? Should I change so that I can avoid the possibility of this predicament repeating? Should I wear a bin bag, Sellotape cutlery to my face and only eat cheese when I’m around guys I don’t have sexual or romantic feelings for so they don’t find me physically attractive either? Or how about people who are the more aggressive ones of the unreciprocated-romantic-feelings-zone calm down and think about what absolute tools they’re being? I shouldn’t have to avoid one of my friends developing feelings for me that they then turn into a borderline obsession that makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. If I - or anyone else in this position - change then it would appear I am succumbing to and validating their behaviour as I am in the wrong. And I am not.
If you make it clear that you have feelings for a friend when you first realise you’re having those feelings and then the friend takes advantage of or ignores your feelings, then fair enough you probably shouldn’t be friends with them at all. If you tell them and they state they don’t share those feelings for you but you make the choice to continue being friends with them instead of giving yourself some time, and you carry on making passes, guilt tripping or creeping on the person then you’re a dick. If you have secret feelings for your friend and you get mad or passive-aggressive because they don’t reciprocate because they’re not psychic, stop being an asshat. If you stand outside my house at 3am when I’ve made it clear I don’t want to spend time with you because you make hurtful, misogynistic, ridiculous accusations about my life (that you are not a part of) and my relationships with other people whilst making me feel extremely unsafe I will hit you with a brick. I expect to be treated as a human being regardless of the situation, that means respecting my boundaries and my decisions. If you are incapable of that then I have no interest in having any sort of relationship with you. That’s not me being cruel, that’s not me being incapable of love, that’s not me being a lesbian, I just don’t like you in that way, and I don’t have to.