As the VMAs take place at 1am GMT, I only ever get as far as watching the guests arrive and walk down the red carpet before I give in and go to sleep. Now, I know absolutely nothing about fashion and this was only made even more abundantly clear after watching celebrities such as Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian turn up in the most bewildering outfits in the history of time.
If these outfits are anything to go by, VMA fashion is not about art, comfort or self-confidence but about how close you’re willing to get to flashing your genitals and nipples to million of people. Do they place bets? Is it a weird sexual game they play? Who knows, all us little people can do is criticise their choices.
Taylor Swift
Sometimes I wonder whether Taylor Swift wants us to like her or not. I mean, I’m pretty sure everything between the top of her legs and her neck belongs to a small boy and I don’t understand why the thing’s got letters all over it? What is it? Why is it?
Rita Ora
I love Rita Ora, but I’d actually throw her under a bus for this dress. I’d wear it whenever the urge to act like a wealthy, desperate 1920’s housewife struck me.
Nicki Minaj
Judging by this face I’m assuming someone just told Nicki her ass looks small. I usually hate anything with snake print on it because why would I want to wear scales, but whoever fitted and tailored this dress is a genius.
Ariana Grande
I’m not entirely sure what an Ariana Grande is, but from this outfit I’m assuming she’s a real life Bratz doll? Also, if a ponytail is still your staple then you’re not old enough to be going through the transition from child star to ‘fully grown woman’, no matter how much leather you wear.
Iggy Azalea
This dress reminds me of one Thandie Newton wears in The Chronicles Of Riddick, and that’s not a good thing. Beautiful face though, can’t argue with that.
Laverne Cox
I can imagine putting this dress on and just becoming a badass instantaneously; I love it.
Miley Cyrus
Ah Miley. The poster child of histrionic personality disorder. I actually like this outfit, it’s casual (in comparison to what other people were wearing and to what Miley usually wears) without being boring. Well done Miley, welcome to real maturity.
Jennifer Lopez
JLO you look wonderful, and I’d particularly like to congratulate you on those pelvic muscles after having twins but that dress is some gratuitous-nudity-in-an-alien movie type shit that I just don’t get.
Katy Perry
Everyone keeps congratulating Katy and scary, racially-confused man on their throwback to Britney and Justin, but it’s still absolutely horrific. Not in an ironic way, not in a fun way; it’s genuinely the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
Ke$ha
This is the most elegant I’ve ever seen Ke$ha look, I’m feeling it. She looks like an understated fairy princess. Although, her face looks like a different person’s every time I see a picture of her?
Kim Kardashian
I’ll be honest, the only one I recognise here is Kim and she’s turned up in a donkey blanket so…
Lucy Hale
I don’t really have anything to say about Lucy Hale’s outfit, I just want to mention how sick I am of sitting through Aria’s forced relationship with Ezra on Pretty Little Liars. THAT STORY LINE WAS BORING FIVE SEASONS AGO. But while we’re here, I love the top half of this outfit but that skirt is about seven different types of ugly.
