I’ve been getting a lot more traffic on here recently, and by that I mean more than three people a day, so I thought I’d write a little more about myself. So I googled “those really shitty old questionnaire things people did in 2007” to get some questions that I can over elaborate on. Things are about to get real Myspacey.
Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now?
I will never be satisfied with my life until I have eradicated the progression of robots into scary slave butlers who will inevitably turn on the human race and destroy us all.
How old are you? Where were you born? Where do you live? Where is your family from?
I’m 21 and I was born in Hull which has been voted the worst city in England multiple times. I wasn’t a fancy enough foetus to be born in Beverley. I live in Hessle which is a suburb of Hull. My paternal family is from here, but my Mum is from Accrington which is near Manchester. Accrington actually is the worst place on the planet. So I’m a suburban half Hull, half Manc hybrid and I am constantly surprised that I’ve never glassed anyone.
How do you usually feel when you wake up on a morning?
I don’t think I’m capable of feeling anything until I’ve had six coffees, four cigarettes and drawn something on the kitchen chalkboard that will make my co-habitants mildly uncomfortable.
Are you sure that you were born in the right era?
I think about this far more than is probably normal. I would have liked to have been around in America in the 20s but I don’t think I would have functioned very well under the more established patriarchy. So maybe the 60s. But I do like being around for all this technological evolution that I get to experience by being a millennial child. Except I was reading about Shodan the other day and that weirded me out, how does the guy who created it rationalise that engine?
What are you looking forward to?
Going travelling over Christmas. Cartagena, Barcelona, Monaco, Rome, Ajaccio, Gibraltar and La Coruna > getting a black eye from a turkey that’s been thrown in a family argument about something that happened two decades ago.
Where were you when you got your first period?
In a forest. Luckily there were no bears. Or sharks.
Can you drive?
Yes. Just not legally. And only at 70 miles an hour everywhere.
Would you rather go back in time or remain where you are in terms of the time of your life?
Go back in time. Then I’d be in a club with all the other time travellers and I think Marty Mcfly, Bill & Ted and I would get on. That’s an entirely different question I’ve answered. I think about this a lot as well; if I went back in time would I have to relive everything until I caught up to the present again? Or could I jump once I’ve changed or re-experienced whatever it was I went back for? Because those are the only reasons I would go back in time and I don’t want to go through all the other events as well. I’m very ungrateful for this time travelling gift, I feel like those girls off that shit Super Sweet Sixteen programme. I DIDN’T WANT TIME TRAVEL, I WANTED KINETIC ENERGY ABSORPTION, GOD.
Who was your favourite Disney princess as a child?
Ariel. Always Ariel. And if I couldn’t be Ariel because some other stupid kid had called dibs on her then I would insist I was Goku, Rogue or The Terminator until they let me be Ariel. War tactics.
What do you fear most about death?
What if hell is just being in an inclosed space with people you hate? Or watching movies that suck? Or both? Or you’re constantly trying to get the wifi to work on your laptop but it says it’s already connected but it’s clearly not because the server and the internet have failed? Or you’re on a train journey that never ends sat next to people who keep trying to make small talk with you but it’s always about subjects you can’t relate to? No, I don’t know who I want to win Celebrity Big Brother, I thought that show had ended, will it never end?
Extrovert or Introvert? Talkative or shy?
Introvert. I am so introverted I’m surprised I’m not literally inside out. That made more sense before I wrote it down. I don’t mind being an introvert but I dislike that I’m also shy and meek around the majority of people. I gave my Xbox controller away to some guy I don’t even know yesterday because the people in the room wanted me to and I didn’t want to say no and look like a knob. It has gone too far.
What’s your favourite dessert?
Cheesecake. I think cheesecake will be how I die. Or Ben & Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream, which I assume has been pulled from a parallel universe where food just tastes better than it does here.
What’re you currently reading?
The Diviners - Libba Bray. Rosy recommended it and I trust her literary opinions above all others.
Fruitloops or cocopops?
When I was travelling from Ithaca to Manhattan this girl we’d known for about a day had a whole box of Fruitloops and just ate them out of the box for about three hours. I’d given her my socks because she’d fallen in a huge puddle and my feet were really cold and she was practically force feeding me Fruitloops so I can’t look at Fruitloops without thinking about that. But then I don’t really like Cocopops either. I don’t like cereal. Unless it’s Cheerios in Ready Brek.
Would you eat a live spider for one million dollars?
No. I know I could use the million dollars to somehow kill all the other spiders and remove them from the planet possibly by flamethrowers that would only ever target and harm spiders, but no.
Are you easily distressed?
I get distressed by really particular things. I’ve been punched in the face before and not been that bothered, but if ketchup touches me or any of my belongings I will have a mental breakdown.
Love or lust?
Laying in bed playing Borderlands until my eyes feel like they’re going to fall out of my head.
Do you remember lyrics easily?
I do. I think 60% of my brain capacity is actually filled with lyrics. I can’t do basic mathematics but I reckon I can still rap most of Eminem’s first five albums and remember the lyrics to every song played on Kerrang between 2004 and 2010.
What music are you listening to right now?
Breaking Bad, which is music to my anxiety and aversion to meth. And now Welcome To Nightvale, which has a similar effect.
What do you think of velvet knickers?
I don’t want to put any sort of opinion in case this is an invitation to a cult.
Who was your favourite author as a child?
Lemony Snicket. I liked J.K. Rowling and most of the other authors aimed at my age group, but I adored the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books. I still have all of them except for the fourth one which got lost when we moved, and two of those autobiographical type things. I can’t tell if this is embarrassing or not. My siblings and I also have the same set up as the Baudelaire’s; I’m the eldest, my brother is only a little bit younger than me and our sister is almost seven.
Your ambitions as a child and your ambitions now?
I wanted to be an elephant for a while. Then I writer. Then to have telekinesis. Which is about where I am now. I’ve got the writing part down, if someone can give me the power to move objects with my mind that’d be great and we will make a sitcom.
Where was your favourite place as a child?
I used to sit in the bath a lot. The bath would be empty and I’d be fully clothed; it was just like sitting anywhere else but I felt really safe in there for some reason. I’d have meals in there and everything. God help anyone who actually needed to use the bath, because you can’t this is my domain. I bet my mum’s friends just thought I was like a feral child she kept in the bathroom in hindsight.
What is more attractive: nice hands or nice feet?
Trick question. The latter does not exist. And as long as your hands aren’t webbed or hooves they’re fine by me. Who am I, the hand police? No, you just get on with your life and your hands.
When was the last time you had sex?
Sometime around 4010BC.
What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
Telling someone I love them is easy as I’m very picky and precise about it. I also never say it first because I might get rejected. Nothing like a bit of systematic romance. It’s harder to tell someone you don’t love them because ew no you made it weird. I have the emotional maturity of a piece of lego.
Are you young at heart, or an old soul?
I am a brick.
Who was your first crush?
I remember having three at around the same time; Goku, Chandler Bing and a thing for Rogue from X-Men.
What is love?
I don’t know man, you just like spending time together until you don’t anymore. If you stick around after that it’s probably because you don’t know what else to do and change is scary. I should write romantic cards for cynics:
‘Roses are red,
violets are blue,
we like/’love’ each other now,
but there’s a 90% chance that we will break up and hate each other and even if we don’t we’ll live in mutual distain because we can’t get it together to leave and one day we’ll die and never see each other again anyway.
Please find a free revolver enclosed.’
Does anybody hate you?
Yes. In fact, if you’re reading this out of obsessive hatred then I’m sorry okay, it was probably my bad.
Any beauty tips?
I’m going to tell you something my nan tells me every time I see her; never let a drunk thirteen year old pluck all your eyebrows out. Also, she told me the other day that “although you can eat some coconut oils, don’t lather yourself in it first. You might die and then when the coroners come it’ll be really difficult to get you in a body bag because you’ll be too slippery.” She is like a wise willow tree.
How many rings do you usually wear?
Somewhere between two and six usually. I like having hippy, gypsy fingers.
What is your favourite experience of your life so far?
When I was all ballsy and went to New York on an exchange. Or when I went to Download Festival when I had just turned fourteen and I got adopted by this massive tribal tattoo-ed bloke and his wife who never had any clothes on. Or sitting in Cuba drinking Malibu.
What’re your favourite movies?
The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, The Matrix, Run Lola Run, Push, Twelve Monkeys, Sucker Punch, the Back To The Future trilogy, the first three Terminators, the first four Die Hards, the Kill Bill movies, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, Pulp Fiction, Django, The Dark Knight, Spirited Away, anything that’s like Se7en, Fight Club, Battle Royale, Eternal Sunshine, Easy A, everything by Tim Burton ever, Planet Terror, Requiem For A Dream, Silent Hill, Inglorious Basterds, From dusk Till Dawn … All movies in the world apparently. April asked me to bring DVDs around to watch at hers the other night and I couldn’t find any that were socially acceptable; i.e not horror, Tarantino or anime.
Favourite TV shows?
The ones I can recall right now are Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, American Horror Story, Game Of Thrones, Buffy, Firefly, It Crowd, Sherlock, 30 Rock, Spaced, Arrested Development, Avatar, South Park, Orange is the New Black, It’s Always Sunny and Dollhouse. I may or may not really like Downtown Abbey as well. I do.
Your signature thing, what you are most known for among your friends is now your name. What do people call you?
Captain Knobface: overlord of ineptitude, god of never knowing when to shut up once I start talking and wine.
What is some wisdom your mother gave you?
She actually said yesterday that she can’t take credit for most of what my brother and I have learnt because everything we know is from video games. Which is true, I only passed history because I used to spend hours playing Age of Empires 2. She’s instilled a very independent spirit in me, and always encouraged me to speak my mind. This is great, but possibly the largest reason as to why I will get murdered one day.
You ordered pizza last night and have been looking forward to eating the leftovers all day. You go home and the box is still in the fridge, but someone has eaten all of it and its empty. What do you do?
Get money from the culprit to buy a new pizza. Order pizza. Set fire to everything. What is mercy. Eat pizza as the house is burned to the ground. Slake a mixture of tomato puree and the blood of my enemies across my face. Don’t eat my pizza.