Unfortunately, I was born a woman and due to greedy, privileged western society I have become a feminist. I fit right into the Western, white, 18-22 age band for feminists [1] even though we are already all equal and us feminists only want control! [2] So now I’m really worried. If I want to find myself a husband I best abandon my “I am a sentient, free human person who deserves common human decency” label and start knitting myself a bonnet and some scarves for the children. My opinions and decisions will ensure no man will ever take interest in me ever again, and that is my ultimate nightmare. I assume it is your’s too fellow women, I mean: a life without one of these men dictating your every waking moment? No thank you.

So, I thought I best share what I’ve learnt from reading Return Of Kings before we all end up as old, overweight, feminist spinsters:

1. Appearance: Don’t Be Fat.

I currently weigh around 118ibs at 5″4 and my measurements are 36 - 24.5 - 36. Now, I’m not sure if that makes me too fat to catch the attention of one of these fine alpha males? But let’s say if your BMI is getting close to the Overweight side of Normal, it’s time to start fasting and doing squats; that’s just science. You don’t want to be one of those ‘have nots’ who struggle with their weight all the time and so are an irritating burden/ embarrassment to their men [3].

As RoK are so against these fat chicks waddling around like they deserve to be alive, they recently held an entire ‘Fat Shaming Week’ [4]. How thoughtful. I’ve learnt that fat people are atheists [5] (which is also undesirable apparently?), they are evil [6] and they just don’t deserve love [7]. That’s right, the more fat you ingest the lower your worth as a human being will fall. The more you know.
RoK have also suggested that we take pictures of ‘fatties’ in order to shame them using their photo on the internet, because it is our place to do that to another person [8]. You can use this to your advantage by showing these pictures to men who will be enticed by your complete and utter disregard for other people’s feelings and you will be rewarded with attention. It is also necessary to bully fat people you meet in public by taking them on any activities that require movement because they can’t do anything [9]. However, you will also stay adamant that ‘thin privilege’ does not exist and never mention it, ever [10].

“But that doesn’t seem like enough shame to convince women to lose weight and remain thin!” I hear you cry. For those of you who are really dedicated to the cause, you can level up: develop a severe eating disorder. Those girls struggling with crippling mental health problems cost less money and are better in bed due to all those insecurities [11]. Your ideal man will help you in this pursuit by controlling your diet, whether that is by shaming you in public or hiding your food [12].
This is where it gets a bit trickier. In an ideal world you are Russian [13] or Brazillian. If you are not either of those nationalities you will most likely be regarded as stuck up, rude, angry, fussy, annoying and cold [14]. You must combat these things and remain thin, submissive and pretty in order to gain a man’s attention.

2. Finding A Man: Don’t Be A Slut But Also Sleep With Every Man Who Feigns Interest.

Take a look at RoK’s article ‘24 Signs She’s A Slut‘. This is where I hit yet another roadblock on my way to happiness, as twelve items on the list apply to me. The problem with me making these decisions early on in my life is that no guy wants a slut. What they actually want is a girl who will have sex with them on the first date. Confused? Well, according to RoK sluts are some of the worst kinds of women [15] [16], second only to ‘fatties’ I assume. They argue that “the healthy woman avoids both these fates [either being ‘The Prude’ or ‘The Slut’], by surrendering herself to a man, but only to the one who has her affection and reverence.” [17].

However, there are tons of articles on how to get a woman to have sex with men on the first date [18] there’s even one on how to get laid on a train [19]. So we must attempt to decipher their message. You can remain celibate until you find a guy who you instantly fall for/ has a “sick aquarium” then proceed to have sex with them on the first date [20] - which will probably in it’s self indicate that you are in fact a slut - and be completely fine when you receive no follow up call. Bare in mind that every guy you do not have sex with on the first date will probably think you were a prude or simply after his money, but you can’t just be having sex with everybody. You think you have control over your body, oh sweetie no, that is not what these men want.

Either way, you are probably going to get hurt. I mean, women are just a conquest to proper men [21]. You shouldn’t be bringing your feelings into this, feelings are caused by the ovaries drifting around the body and are completely typical woman faf that these men don’t find appealing. What are feelings, amirite sociopathic-bros? There are no feelings, only the undeniable fact that these double standards exist because women idealise “studs” and that’s okay [22].

So, which man should you wait for to have sex with on the first date? What should you do in order to lock down a man? Apparently, be a ‘hustler’ or ‘gold-digger’ [23]. Yup. When done properly, being a gold-digger (or any woman who successfully births a child with an athlete according to RoK) garners huge respect. Preferably, this man will be two levels below you on the hot scale and ten years older so he will stick around after your appearance deteriorates [24]. This should be pretty easy if you are a young girl because they are better than women, always [25].

3. Keeping A Man: The Ultimate Goal.

Look how far you’ve come. You have abandoned feminism, developed an eating disorder and have found yourself a successful, rich, older man. Happy days. However, this means it’s time to whack your baggage out and there’s a lot of it that these guys just can’t be doing with.

Here’s what I’ve learnt when regarding my own life experiences. Firstly, having been on JSA - which I assume is the English equivalent of Welfare - I should die because that’s what biology dictates [26]. But I’m going to fight through this as I can improve, honest. Thankfully, I don’t own a horse [27] so at least I have that in my favour.

Hopefully, my wonderful boyfriend will forgive me for being on JSA and we can continue to see each other, thank the Lord. Now, it’s time for him to meet my family, which should be okay as they are all lovely without being too involved, that’s fine. BUT, I am estranged from my father. This is a huge problem as I didn’t have a man to train me [28]. If you find yourself in the same predicament I suggest you argue that you will relinquish this control to your boyfriend as you are here to follow. If he’s a good man, he’ll stay with you because he is so understanding and takes pity on you. In addition to this, you better check he accepts that you are inevitably a cheapskate [29] and a sheep [30].

As I am a white woman I expect a lot of shit that I don’t deserve, like a good job [31]. You better just give up on this bullshit unless you want to be a secretary. If you become the boss of a company then you’ll have no male employees [32] and will be deemed too independent and a ball buster. I highly recommend you don’t work in tech [33] because we just fuck everything up and tech is a man’s game. Really, your ultimate goal is to become a stay at home mum.

But like Hell are those kids going to be bastard children, and you can’t raise them as a single mum [34]. If you ever do get pregnant, they have a guide to convincing women to get an abortion, so you’re all set [35]. However, in reality nobody wants ruined property. The obvious solution is to get married. Now I know, I know you can’t turn a whore into a housewife [36] but this guy wants to keep you around as he has gotten too old for 100% successful game and his side-pieces are losing interest. Might as well stick with you.

There are many gifts you must order your friends to purchase for your future husband, including a paternity voucher and a fork that vibrates when you’re shovelling food into your mouth too quickly like the pig you are [37]. In case your husband is American and you are not, here is a guide on how he can care for and feed his new foreign wife [38].

Now it’s time for you to settle down and start pushing out those kids. There is no shame in being a stay at home mum, however you better not make a big deal out of it because those women don’t even do anything [39].

Finally, you have succeeded. You have an older, alpha male husband, you are a stay at home mum with legitimate children. Live the rest of your life doing the bidding of your husband, cooking meals and remaining thin and healthy until you reach old age and he leaves you for a younger model.

Congratulations.

Meanwhile, in reality…

Return Of Kings is one of the worst, most boring sites I have ever been on. Did you know some men are threatened by feminism? Of course you did, because these men never shut up about it. This is where sites such as RoK come from; a ridiculous, pointless endeavour to desperately maintain the patriarchy. Return Of Kings is a tiny, barely significant piece of the Internet where misogynists can all rally together and feel validated posting their outdated heterosexual male woes about how us women are too mouthy and slutty these days. These guys are really digging deep in order to display their most sexist, misogynistic opinions so they get a larger audience and maybe gain a couple more equally narrow-minded Neanderthals. Although they gloat about their recent bit of media coverage, in reality and judging by their Facebook page, there’s only a couple thousand people who agree with them. But in desperate times, this must seem like an accomplishment.

Now, I am most definitely a feminist. When I say ‘feminist’ I mean I believe men and women should be equal. I actually mean feminist. That does not mean I am a misandrist, that does not mean I believe all men are evil/unnecessary/unentitled. Almost every human being on this planet deserves respect. One of the exceptions to this rule however, is anyone who supports the oppression of other people. Return Of Kings seeks to oppress anyone who is not a heterosexual, cis, masculine male; because they are manly men, fuck you all. They can spout out their inane misogyny, but when women reply we are labelled feminists in the most derogatory sense. How dare we want to be treated as human beings when we are here solely to follow and satisfy the men?
What’s more comical is that these men are obviously really worried and frightened because of us women, it’s as though they think we all have lists around the world reading step 1: close the wage gap, step 2: mass genocide of all straight men. They have multiple arguments against feminism, but most of them boil down to “they are fat and have opinions!” which is a solid, firm argument for a bunch of people with the mental maturity of a seven year old. Well done guys.

I know I may have to live my life without an alpha male husband ordering me around, but you guys don’t want a girl like me anyway. I want to be independent and strong and treated as an equal in society and by my partner. A partner isn’t even a necessity in my eyes, but a welcome addition to my life as I would be an addition to his. I do not want an entitled asshole who is obsessed with a society and set of standards that is slowly dwindling away. Sure, I know you guys will get laid but the amount of emphasis you put on that being due to game and how that means you are beating feminism is ridiculous and delusional. We make the choice to put up with men like you, you barely have any control in the matter.

RoK are obsessed with the progression and evolution of society, but their ultimate goal is simply a failing attempt to patch up any holes made in the patriarchy and it’s just not going to work. They can vent their frustration at the reality that women are no longer willing to be below them and that the patriarchy is threatened as much as they like, but it will change nothing. It must be exhausting fighting the inevitable. Poor babies. I may donate some money towards building a raft for them so they don’t drown in their misogynist tears.